Journal
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January 17th, 2006 @ 9:12AM
User Comments
 gurdonark
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Date: January 19, 2006 @ 10:53 PM
Both of these are very interesting, with lots of ideas and imagery.
There's a few typos in the spelling, but that's kinda beside the point. I like the ideas "speak from darkened places/hidden within faces" and "wand'ring in depths unspoken/too many gave that token".
This piece has real potential as a lyric. I write in free verse, rather than blank or rhymed verse, so I don't pretend to be any great genius of how such things "should" work (and I mistrust the "shoulds" anyway). But here's a few ideas on things that might make the lyric work better metrically:
I like version 2 better, I think. I'm trying to work out cadence in my head, to see how it would work best as a lyric. When I count out the beats to "speak from darkened places" I get 6, which might align with "hidden within faces", while lines 3 and 4 seem to match up at roughly 8 beats. Lines 5 and 6 might work better if you deleted the "such" in line 6, as I think the beats work out.
Similarly, the second stanza might count out better.
I think you've really got something here, which can really work as a poem or song. It's a good read as it is, and yet I can imagine it as a dynamite lyric. Of course, for all I know, it's already a dynamite lyric, so I hope you'll pardon the liberty of my thoughts on this.
"Diluted words constitute demise"...great phrase, pregnant with meaning.
I think it's great that people share their writing like you have here, and I'm grateful to get to read it.
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gurdonark
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Date: January 20, 2006 @ 3:09 PM
After reading all that "too many words" I wrote above, I wanted to leave a second comment to reiterate that I liked your work.
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 Nefy
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Date: January 20, 2006 @ 4:20 PM
 Thank you 
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